I haven’t written on here for some time. Life has been going on and this site has been all but forgotten. I don’t post here for numerous reasons, partly because I’ve learned some lessons in online publicity/privacy and I don’t like this being so openly attributed to me personally. Having said that, some things are worth sharing. I came across the following recently. It is a snippet from an online forum where somebody posted a question about ending their life. The response was brilliant, and I hope more people with thoughts of suicide could be exposed to such blunt truths.
I don’t know who to accredit this to – it was already reposted several times before I found it and the author was masked to begin with. The source was also very disjointed (a bunch of screen captures from a mobile phone) so I’m going to rewrite this but I’ll endeavor to keep it as verbatim as possible. The exchange went like this:
Q: What happens once you kill yourself? Because I’m ready to go.
A: You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child he loved and the child he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way your dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should have stopped you and they should have told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself
but you killed everyone else around you too.
It’s blunt and it’s brutal, yet beautifully written in its own way. I think everyone, no matter how introverted, have their own metaphorical tendrils that link them to the people around them. No matter how removed someone thinks they are, they impact those around them. Suicide is supposed to end someone’s pain, but it creates a whole lot more pain than it ends. If only those with thoughts of self harm could see this beforehand…