Another email from my Canadian mum

For those of you who have been following my previous correspondences, I’ve been receiving wrongly redirected email intended for a Canadian Ryan Minster for a little while now. Every now and then I receive one which I just can’t help but reply to. Here’s the latest one:

Hi, I had quoted you $1080usd for this package. It was for a golf package for 1, including accommodation, 3 rounds of golf and breakfast. The second person was for breakfast only.

Doral are now saying they cannot do the second breakfast and Amanda will have to pay locally. Ryan’s breakfast is included. I have got them to reduce the price to $900, so the additional $180 will more than cover three breakfasts for Amanda.

Tee times can be booked 90 days out so end of September I will book those. I have taken full payment.


And here’s what Ronda got:

Hello again Ronda,

Wow, I’m flabbergasted by your ongoing generosity!  I’d love to accompany you on your golfing holiday in December and I look forward to this with much anticipation.  I must warn you however that I am no Tiger Woods.  While that may come as a relief to your womanhood, I should probably also add that I’m not much good at golf either.  I play at a rather large handicap, that being that I am the one hitting the ball.  I confess that in frustration there have been times that I have resorted to kicking the golf ball, but on a good note when I do reach the end of my tether and kick the ball, it usually goes further than when I hit it with a club.  I once broke 30 on the back nine of my local course though in honesty I did throw the ball a couple of times when no one was looking.  And while it’s true I scored under 30 (28 to be precise), I didn’t do so well with the other 8 holes.
It’s a bit of an insult that they won’t supply Amanda with breakfast.  Does she have an overly voracious appetite?  Do they not realise how much energy we expend with all that kicking and cursing while we walk around the course?  I hope Amanda will be able to keep up with us after our plentiful breakfasting.  If she can’t keep up, I suggest we hide her unconscious body in the brambles and sell her clubs to the highest bidder.  We could then gorge ourselves even further the next morning at the table.  I’m thrilled to see that my breakfast is included in the price however, and I’ll try not to do you the disservice of attending the table naked like I did the last time I stayed out whilst on holidays.  In my fairness though, it was rather warm and my blood-alcohol levels were slightly higher than normal.  I do however still regret falling on the floor in the restaurant.  Which in itself isn’t so bad, but replace “falling” with “urinating”, and “floor” with “waiter”, and you’ll find the true source of my regret.
It will be terrific if you can book the tee times 90 days out.  90 days should be about enough time for me to make it right around the course, provided that bloody Amanda doesn’t slow us down too much in her weakened state.  Bring on December!
Yours with thanks,
Ryan Minster
I wonder if she’ll reply this time…
Aug 29th, 2013 | Filed under Life
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My lucky holiday

For those of you who might recall, earlier in the year I received an email from a Canadian woman who claimed to be my mother.  Well, sort of.  I think she has a son who shares the same name as myself and she emailed me instead of him.  I couldn’t resist, and emailed her a reply.

Well, my Canadian mom is at it again!  This time she emailed me a flight itinerary with an invitation to come to Toronto.  Again, I couldn’t resist.  Below is the reply I sent her.  For some reason she still hasn’t replied…

Hello again Ronda,

Thank you very much for inviting me to visit Toronto!  I graciously accept your invitation.  However, I wonder if we might be able to change the itinerary slightly?  I see that you have me flying out from Fort Lauderdale, but Fort Lauderdale is 15,729 kilometres from my current location.  It would be much easier for me to fly out from Melbourne, Australia.  I certainly don’t mean to seem ungrateful however, and if I must leave from Fort Lauderdale then I’ll make my own way there.  How long do you think it would take me to swim 15,729 kilometres?
I’ve never been to Toronto before.  Actually, I’ve never been to Canada.  I’m looking forward to seeing your local wildlife most, and being from Australia I will be very happy to be in a different country where most of the local animals can’t kill you in less than three seconds.  Over here it’s a blessing to be savaged by a wild dingo, as it helps to drain the poison from the venomous snake bites that most of us receive at least weekly.  It’s difficult to walk between our front door and the neighbours place without seeing at least three deadly animals.  And if you don’t see them it just means they were well camouflaged that day.
What would you suggest I pack?  Having never been to Canada I am largely persuaded by stereotype alone.  The only things I know that come from Canada are maple syrup and Our Lady Peace.  I am assuming I can buy pancakes and icecream in Canada as well as maple syrup so I shouldn’t need to bring any other food-stuffs.  I think I’d be able to happily survive on the dietary sustenance I could glean from maple syrup and icecream on pancakes.  That almost covers all of the five food groups.  After all, what other uses does maple syrup have?
Seeing you’re supplying my airfares I also assume I will need to hang out with you and your family for a while.  What sort of activities do you folks like to engage in?  Again going only by stereotypes I would guess you all play ice hockey and lacrosse, and so I’ll bring clothing that would accommodate such activities.  Clothing for ice hockey is hard to come by in Australia however, due mostly to the fact that very few of us have ever seen snow let alone a frozen expanse that one could skate upon.  I’ll bring my flip-flops (I’m sure they will glide nicely upon the ice) and maybe also some longer shorts.  The weather here generally dictates that when we get cold we put a t-shirt on and put our beer can in a stubbie holder.  How much colder can Canada be?
I really look forward to meeting up with you and my other very distant relatives.  I’ll watch my mail box for those airline tickets!
Thanks once again,
Oct 2nd, 2012 | Filed under Life
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M-Reno – The Finished Kitchen

Well, it’s taken far longer than anticipated but this renovation is finally nearing completion.  The carpet goes in soon (less than two weeks) and so I now have a fixed deadline for my painting.  I’ve been busy changing the stained hardwood skirts and arc into crisp white breaks between the wall and floor/doors/windows.  That alone had visually subtracted about thirty years from the property.  And now that the kitchen is complete the house is a whole lot more comfortable.  Here’s a couple of before/after pics of the finished article.  And excuse the black smudges on the photos, apparently the back of my phone lens needs a clean.  Anyone know how to do that?


So here below we have a classic “spot the difference” picture.  There are five changes between the photos.  Can you spot them all?

Aug 18th, 2012 | Filed under Renovating

M-Reno – The Entry, Before and (almost) After

It’s about time for yet another renovation update.  I’ve just put in the glass balustrade in the entry, replacing the gaudy old wooden frame that had stood there since the house was made.  The glass wall still needs a little bit of adjustment and the paintwork underneath needs another coat, but the general feeling of the house has changed considerably.  The tiling will begin next week too, which will give the place another dramatic change.

20th century vs 21st century

After a slight hiatus, things are beginning to move along full swing again.  The garden is basically finished (thanks to some terrific help!) and the inside needs only flooring and lighting, along with a few fiddly details.  The painting has been very time consuming, but again I’ve had some help which has sped things along.  There’s still another coat needed on some skirts and arcs, and a few patches of touch-up needed on some walls.  Generally though, the house looks completely different, and certainly a whole lot better!

Jul 26th, 2012 | Filed under Renovating

Higgs-whatnow? What IS a Higgs Boson Particle?

So scientists at the  Large Hadron Collider (an enormous underground generator near the Swiss/French border) this week confirmed the existence of the Higgs Boson particle.  So what?  What does this mean for anyone outside the scientific community?  I mean, heck!  We don’t even know what a Higgs Boson particle is, right?  Why should it’s discovery mean anything to us?

I found this online and thought it was a pretty good explanation for us laymen.  Personally, I want to know what a Higgs Boson particle is made of…

Courtesy of PHD Comics on Vimeo.

Jul 6th, 2012 | Filed under Science