For those of you who might recall, earlier in the year I received an email from a Canadian woman who claimed to be my mother. Well, sort of. I think she has a son who shares the same name as myself and she emailed me instead of him. I couldn’t resist, and emailed her a reply.
Well, my Canadian mom is at it again! This time she emailed me a flight itinerary with an invitation to come to Toronto. Again, I couldn’t resist. Below is the reply I sent her. For some reason she still hasn’t replied…
Hello again Ronda,
Thank you very much for inviting me to visit Toronto! I graciously accept your invitation. However, I wonder if we might be able to change the itinerary slightly? I see that you have me flying out from Fort Lauderdale, but Fort Lauderdale is 15,729 kilometres from my current location. It would be much easier for me to fly out from Melbourne, Australia. I certainly don’t mean to seem ungrateful however, and if I must leave from Fort Lauderdale then I’ll make my own way there. How long do you think it would take me to swim 15,729 kilometres?
I’ve never been to Toronto before. Actually, I’ve never been to Canada. I’m looking forward to seeing your local wildlife most, and being from Australia I will be very happy to be in a different country where most of the local animals can’t kill you in less than three seconds. Over here it’s a blessing to be savaged by a wild dingo, as it helps to drain the poison from the venomous snake bites that most of us receive at least weekly. It’s difficult to walk between our front door and the neighbours place without seeing at least three deadly animals. And if you don’t see them it just means they were well camouflaged that day.
What would you suggest I pack? Having never been to Canada I am largely persuaded by stereotype alone. The only things I know that come from Canada are maple syrup and Our Lady Peace. I am assuming I can buy pancakes and icecream in Canada as well as maple syrup so I shouldn’t need to bring any other food-stuffs. I think I’d be able to happily survive on the dietary sustenance I could glean from maple syrup and icecream on pancakes. That almost covers all of the five food groups. After all, what other uses does maple syrup have?
Seeing you’re supplying my airfares I also assume I will need to hang out with you and your family for a while. What sort of activities do you folks like to engage in? Again going only by stereotypes I would guess you all play ice hockey and lacrosse, and so I’ll bring clothing that would accommodate such activities. Clothing for ice hockey is hard to come by in Australia however, due mostly to the fact that very few of us have ever seen snow let alone a frozen expanse that one could skate upon. I’ll bring my flip-flops (I’m sure they will glide nicely upon the ice) and maybe also some longer shorts. The weather here generally dictates that when we get cold we put a t-shirt on and put our beer can in a stubbie holder. How much colder can Canada be?
I really look forward to meeting up with you and my other very distant relatives. I’ll watch my mail box for those airline tickets!
Thanks once again,